2023 & the Undead Mantra

In 2019, before my partner Marley died, I had an internal mantra that I repeated almost daily as I prepared for a move to another city and transfer to a new university. The mantra was, “A year from now, everything will be different”. It brought me comfort to know that the discomfort and stress I was feeling in the present would morph and change throughout 365 days. In my naivety, I assumed that differences would always lean positive. I assumed that growing older meant “figuring it out” and “it’s only up from here.” I assumed that finding the partner and the school and the city and the having a dream meant everything would work out for my life. Imagine my surprise when next year came and I was distraught, knocked loose with intense grief while a global pandemic augmented reality. Turns out, things will change regardless of value judgment (I know you knew, but I didn’t- okay!). The mantra that carried me through 2019 was relegated to the back of my mental closet in 2020. No, worse than that-I dug it a grave and gave no ceremony. It was gone. I despised the reality of change and struggled to cope with it. Especially in my grief, even good was tinted with bad and bad and real bad. I was heartbroken and the world had cracked open, how could I ever handle more change?

It’s been 3 years since 2020 (wow, are we sure? Someone check the clock please!) and towards the end of 2022 my mantra felt a full moon and clawed it’s way out of the grave to haunt me. It was a welcome haunting. With the gifts of neutrality and appreciation, my mantra returns to it’s place as a bitter sweet reality. Things will never stay the same, I must become adept in manuvering change. I can love it, fear it, roll with it, or try my hardest to stop it, but it will continue.

Knowing that the future will be different, knowing each moment is coming and going, knowing that it feels like I’m being launched through time more rapidly each year means I can try to open up to appreciate each moment here and now for the miraculously once in a lifetime phenomena it is. A year from now, I may not be sitting on this same couch with my 6 year old, sucking lemon lime lollipops and watching cartoons while I write a blog post. A year from now, I could be in pain or elation. I won’t know till I’m there, and I don’t know if I will get there.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the cartoons.

“Change is the only constant”

-Kaitlyn